The one who slipped dick-first into one other individual.
I discovered my boyfriend had cheated on me. I broke it off as quickly as I discovered concerning the first one and discovered concerning the three others later. In any case, he was begging me to stick with him and I yelled at him “No means, you fucked her on a picnic desk at a playground” and he truly stated to my face “It was an accident, I slipped and my dick fell in.”
The one which made you say, “Excuse me, what?”
“I by no means would have thought that YOU would break up with ME.”
The fake-ass mates.
“You must rethink who you are mates with as a result of I fucked your greatest pal.” —My boyfriend who cheated on me with my greatest pal every week after promenade, after we had all taken photos collectively. (Needed to crop them out as a result of I appeared nice). —Lauren Younger, Fb
The “so no anal?” man.
By way of textual content: “I’d spend the remainder of my life with you, if solely you preferred anal intercourse.”
Flash ahead 5 years and he emails me apologizing, asking me to marry him as a result of “anal is not that necessary to me anymore.”
The one who managed to insult and flatter on the similar time.
I dated somebody who was going to the identical college as I. He stated he did not know if he was going to cheat on me. After he acquired again from college orientation he stated, “Nevermind, I do not wish to break up. As I used to be strolling round campus, I solely noticed one woman prettier than you.”
The one which made you say, “that is what she stated.”
We had an extended distance relationship. And after we broke up he stated “I’m stunned I lasted this lengthy.”
The very informal two-timer.
“Sorry we cant do that anymore. My spouse advised me it wouldn’t work out.”
The one with telepathic cat powers.
“I see the best way my cat seems at you. And animals have instincts that people simply do not perceive. So I will belief that this can be a signal.”
So I went out and acquired a canine. —Erika Laverse, Fb
The one who needed one final espresso repair.
“Hey sorry I have been sort of distant round you, I’ve truly been seeing another person and it is getting sort of severe however we will nonetheless get espresso someday?” Thoughts you I do not like espresso so at any time when we went out for espresso, IT WAS JUST ME PAYING FOR HIS DUNKIN DONUTS ORDER!
The one which gave long-distance relationships a nasty identify.
In a long-term long-distance relationship: “I simply cannot make myself wish to go to you.”
The Coldplay aficionado.
“You’re what I would like however not what I would like proper now.” This motherfucker broke up with me utilizing Coldplay lyrics. I didn’t notice till they performed “Repair You” throughout the Tremendous Bowl and I acknowledged the lyrics.
The classless texter.
“Verify your telephone.” Actually sitting proper subsequent to me and texted, “I feel we must always break up.”
The one who was simply making an attempt to be “courteous.”
“I needed to attend so that you can undergo your finals as a result of I used to be afraid a breakup would have an effect on your marks or make you fail, however I can not wait anymore. Additionally, do not cry, you are so ugly while you do.” Bitch did I slay these finals and I’m tremendous as hell.
The brutally sincere one.
“Have enjoyable along with your rebound, I do know I’ll.”
The shameless massive spoon.
After having intercourse, he set free an enormous sigh and stated, “I am simply not bodily drawn to you anymore.” Once I tried to sit down up, he had the audacity to attempt to hold me in our bare spooning place. Like I needed to cuddle with the man who simply stated I used to be bodily unattractive!
The unlucky summer season fling.
“I don’t know what I would like, however I do know what I don’t need, and that’s you.” — a man I dated for a summer season, two days after I discovered he gave me mono.
The one who needed the liberty to be a fuckboy.
“I simply wish to exit and have enjoyable with out feeling like I am dishonest on you.”
The one which actually went there.
We had break-up intercourse and he needed to skip the condom. Once I stated, “Do you suppose now could be REALLY the time to be risking being pregnant?” He stated, “Possibly that’s what I would like…”
The one who practically cracked his masculinity.
“You’re higher at Guitar Hero than me and it makes me really feel like much less of a person.”
The philosophical cereal fan.
“However it’s like consuming Cheerio’s each meal, at first it isn’t too unhealthy, however by the top you dont need any extra and I feel I would like me some Fruit Loops.”
The one who simply needed to pursue his life’s calling.
“My spirit information got here to me in a dream final evening and advised me to maneuver to Portland and begin a jazz band.”
The one who closed out on a enterprise deal.
“I hope I didn’t spoil you too unhealthy for the following man.” Then he shook my hand and stated, “Good doing enterprise with you.”
And the post-breakup glo-up for the ages.
My ex advised me that my the whole lot I tweeted was “tasteless.” I ultimately dumped him and acquired employed at BuzzFeed as an editorial intern. I now receives a commission to jot down what are principally prolonged variations of my tasteless tweets!
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