The long-haul departure lounge is a Christmas misery

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That was the opening sequence of Hate Really.

Yep, the prequel to Love Really, the film made within the departure terminal of the worldwide airport closest to you within the two weeks earlier than Christmas.

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Starring you, me and everybody else getting on a protracted haul flight. No Hugh Grant, Chiwetel Ejiofor or Emma Thompson in sight. In truth, everybody appears remarkably plain. They’re additionally exhausted.

There are 1000’s and 1000’s of individuals leaving Australia at the moment of yr. That is their sad story.

Now, films like Love Really wish to present you the nice and cozy fuzzies of Arrivals terminal. Contemporary off the airplane, smiling and radiant, lovers lastly reunited. Mums and dads getting back from work journeys, embraced by their unlikely clear and perky youngsters, prepared to offer their dad and mom a loving hug.

If you arrive at departures you might be already exhausted, attempting to finish the work you are attempting to take a break from within the first place.

However there are a lot of hours to go earlier than that occurs. I’m right here to provide the different tales, ones of distress and tears, of queues and baggage weigh-in, of crying and snot (and that’s solely the adults). Of good airport workers and, ahem, some lower than good.

If you arrive at departures, you might be already exhausted, attempting to finish all of the work you are attempting to take a break from within the first place.

Second, the brand new system of overflow site visitors means you bought dropped within the automobile park and a cadre of over officious guides are utilizing overenthusiastic hand indicators to indicate you the place you possibly can and might’t go. This frightens an overexcited toddler a lot she begins sobbing in her stroller.

Not good preparation for what occurs subsequent.

Three hours earlier than boarding time and a household of six has extra baggage than I’ve ever seen in my life. They inform the affected person girl at check-in that the luggage couldn’t probably be greater than 23kg every.

There are thousands and thousands of people leaving Australia at this time of year, and they all have to get through a scene from 'Hate Actually' to take off. (This, of course is a still from Love Actually.)

There are 1000’s and 1000’s of individuals leaving Australia at the moment of yr, they usually all should get by a scene from ‘Hate Really’ to take off. (This, after all is a nonetheless from Love Really.)

The mum of the group says she weighed them at dwelling. One horrible horrible busybody queue jumps for a sticky beak on the scales. Between dwelling and check-in counter on the airport, I see these baggage have placed on 12 kilos every. Solely reply is the Krispy Kremes within the boot of the automobile.

The particular person behind the counter is sort however resolute. The mum of the group begins howling. I don’t understand how this may finish as a result of I needed to head off to affix my subsequent queue.

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The following queue is worse than the 39-week prenatal examine up. Everyone seems to be anxious, ready, impatient and questioning whether or not their liquids, aerosols and gels will get by in a single piece. Yep, safety.

My 120ml tube of Colgate will get tossed and my newly developed deltoids are actually topic to the eye of Border Drive. I do know this as a result of that’s the world highlighted on the display. Solely my left shoulder although. Should work more durable on the correct.

Ought to be good now, proper? Checked-in. Safe.

Departure imminent! Cease proper there. You’ve now entered the unimaginable limbo of the boarding gates as Australia enters its ten plagues season.

There are not any seen wild animals or frogs however I concern lice and worms from the child two seats up, scratching head and bum alternately.

As for thunderstorm of hail and fireplace and darkness for 3 days, why do you suppose we had all these cancelled flights?

Final week, 1000’s of individuals had their flights delayed, postponed, confused.

There isn’t a distress within the departures terminal higher than the cancelled flight. To additional prolong my tortured Love Really appropriation, nothing you are able to do however to discover ways to play the sport.

It’s straightforward. All you want is a confirmed flight which could get you to your reference to 90 minutes to spare. Please. Please. In any other case be consigned to 24 hours wandering aimlessly round Abu Dhabi Worldwide Airport on the lookout for a cup of tea that prices lower than ten bucks.

Not executed but. Boarding. Boarding. Cabin doorways crosschecked. One other queue earlier than take off. The one cause you’d do that is to get to the arrivals terminal.

I really feel it in my fingers
I really feel it in my toes
Love is throughout me
If you happen to actually love Christmas,
You’ll keep at dwelling.

*With because of the beautiful scriptwriters of Love Really.

Jenna Worth is a Fairfax columnist, and an educational on the College of Expertise, Sydney.

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