Here’s theNo 1 thing that ‘damages’ relationships, state scientists who studied couples for 50 years

As a psychologist and sexologist, we have actually been studying relationships for more than 50 years integrated, and we have actually discovered that no matter how you slice it, the majority of them stop working due to the fact that of bad interaction.

In his book “What Predicts Divorce?”, psychologistDr John Gottman recognizes the 4 most bothersome kinds of interaction in relationships, based upon his research studies of 40,000 couples:

1. Contempt: Expressing a disrespect for our partners (e.g., name-calling, eye-rolling, mocking).
2. Criticism: Attacking a partner’s character.
3. Defensiveness: Protecting from criticism by utilizing reasons or moving blame.
4. Stonewalling: Withdrawing from interaction by neglecting, zoning out or acting hectic.

Of these 4, Gottman states, the most significant predictor of a stopped working relationship is contempt.

Contempt is more than criticism or stating something unfavorable. It’s when one partner asserts that they are smarter, have much better morals, or are just a much better person than the other.

The partner on the getting end feels not worthy and unloved.

For example, constantly disrupting the other individual is rude. But it develops into contempt when the disturbance is not an overeager desire to talk, however rather a declaration that the partner has absolutely nothing intriguing or crucial to state.

It might be as apparent as a partner stating, “Oh, he’s not worth listening to. He couldn’t tell a story to save his life.”

When this kind of habits ends up being more than uncommon– and when it is either unacknowledged or provided with intent– any relationship, much less a marital relationship, remains in problem.

Contempt makes it difficult for partners to seem like they have each other’s back. Instead of “it’s you and me against the problem,” partners are now the challengers. They never ever understand when they may be assaulted or weakened.

This frequently originates from people feeling that they are defending themselves, which is typically a healthy thing to do. But the issue is that they are defending themselves versus their partner, attempting to raise themselves up while tearing their partner down.

Contempt isn’t simply bad for relationships– it’s likewise bad for our health. We require one another to make it through. Contempt cuts off or threatens those ties to other individuals

Research has shown that individuals who use contempt in their communication have higher rates of disease, including cancer, heart disease, and other illnesses such as colds or the flu. 

1. Identify and share negative feelings.

When we don’t know how to name or talk about negative feelings, it’s tempting to take them out on others. 

For example: “I can’t believe you are canceling our date night to meet with your friends. You’re a selfish jerk. You never think about my feelings!” 

To avoid contemptuous communication, use this formula instead:

1. State what you’re feeling: “I feel annoyed and sad because I was looking forward to spending time together.”
2. Add a request: “I’d like to avoid this happening in the future by talking about it first before changing plans.”
3. Invite your partner to the conversation: “Do you think we can do that?”

2. Create a culture of appreciation.

Expressing appreciation helps us notice more of our partner’s positive qualities rather than the negatives.

Ideally, we want our positive statements and gestures to outweigh the negative ones — the magic ratio is at least five positive statements or feelings to one negative one. 

Track your communication patterns over a week. How often are you engaging in negative interactions (e.g., nagging, criticizing, ignoring, eye-rolling) versus positive ones (e.g., praising, complementing, doing something nice for the other partner)?

The following week, interact with your partner using the magic ratio. Do you feel differently?

You can also try each making a list of 20 things you love about each other. Read them out loud, and challenge yourselves by adding to the list over time.

Jessica Griffin, PsyD, is a professor of psy­chiatry and pediatrics at the University of Massachusetts Chan Medical School. She is also the co-author of “Relationship Rx: Prescriptions for Lasting Love and Deeper Connection.” Follow Jessica on Twitter and Instagram

Pepper Schwartz, PhD, is a sexuality professional and co-author of “Relationship Rx: Prescriptions for Lasting Love and Deeper Connection” She is a teacher of sociology at the University of Washington in Seattle, where she developed the Pepper Schwartz Fellowship on Intimate Relationships and Sexuality Follow Pepper on Twitter and Instagram

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